


to make a difference (by being unable to shut up)

by tinteonice



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Coming Out, Eddie lives!, Fix-It, IT Chapter Two Spoilers, M/M, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, but also happier and more confident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-18 12:09:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20638931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinteonice/pseuds/tinteonice
Summary: “Wait, does that mean… you’re gay?”, Beverly looks at him, eyes widened.Richie shrugs. “To the max. Don’t tell Eddie’s mom.”, he jokes.or:Everything begins the same way. Six old friends come together to share memories and trauma. Only this time, Richie's out and proud, and this little detail saves Eddie's life.





	1. there goes the dirty little secret

Nothing quite compares to the feeling of meeting old childhood friends and catching up on their lives. Some would say Richie’s never really grown up, him included, thanks, but there’s a certain innocence to it that he has lost since then. It just feels... good, talking to them.

Not that he was ever innocent, really, the little fucker he was.

“Wait, Eddie, you got married?”, Richie is highly amused, because he begins to remember the crush he had on him. The big ol’ crush that made him feel all weird and tingly inside. He had caught a case of puppy love, the worst sort, and he can’t believe how awkward but weirdly functional he was about it back in the days. How did he even forget? He doesn’t think he’s capable of hiding his feelings that well anymore.

But yeah, he remembers. He used to tease him and then forget how to talk or walk properly, the dumbass that he was. He remembers how his heart stuttered when Eddie smiled at him or entertained his jokes. How funny he was, though he may have cheated by making Richie fall in love with him. And how he seemed to be the bravest person in Derry, despite getting worried about the most ridiculous things sometimes. Richie used to scribble their initials everywhere, like it meant anything. He’s _definitely _not that innocent anymore.

And Eddie Kaspbrack, Eds, Eddie Spaghetti went on and got married?

Eddie scowls. “Yeah, why is that so fucking funny, dickwad?”, he spats out a little too fast, just like he used to. He doesn’t know, of course. They’re talking childhood memories, right? Why not be honest?

“Little me would be devastated; you’d have him in tears. Don’t you have mercy?”, Richie jokes and takes a sip from the coke he ordered. Eddie predictably looks confused, so Richie can’t help himself but to add: “Me and your mom never wanted grandchildren, way to make someone feel old.”

Mike and Ben, who listened in on their talk, try not to snort.

“I don’t even have children.”, Eddie says, deadpan.

Richie grins at him. “All jokes aside, I had a crush on you back then. Don’t know how I managed to hide that from anyone important, but I guess the slurs and threats helped with that.”

Suddenly, the whole table gets quiet. Everyone looks stunned, except for Mike, who looks unimpressed. Seriously, did none of them watch his show? They already talked about how they read Bill’s book, after all. Richie feels betrayed.

“Wait, does that mean… you’re gay?”, Beverly looks at him, eyes widened.

Richie shrugs. “To the max. Don’t tell Eddie’s mom.”, he jokes. He’s confident in himself and his sexuality now, or no, he wants to correct that… _he has just no shame anymore_, left it with Derry where it belonged. But the stares the other give him still make him uncomfortable. He wants to be liked by them, he realizes. He normally doesn’t give a shit, but they were the most important people in his life; although it feels like a lifetime ago.

“I guess that makes sense.”, Beverly says.

Richie laughs. “Didn’t foresee to be the one to win ‘most unexpected character development’ on _this_ table, just with my sexuality alone. I didn’t even have to do anything to deserve the honor, this is a shit reward. Kinda lame.”

“Rich, you did not shut up about girls back then.”, Bill argues.

“Yeah, seems like I had something to hide. I would say that I was too obnoxious to be taken seriously but I guess that hasn’t changed.”, Richie comments.

“You were gay??”, Eddie gasps.

Oh yeah, the memory of Eddie being so quick-witted? It doesn’t match up with Sherlock here. “What, how did you know?”, Richie gaps back. Eddie gives him a stare. Goddammit. “Your gaydar sucks, you should let it get checked. All of yours! I take no responsibility.“

“So, really? You had a crush on me? How?” Eddie furrows his brows, as if it was that difficult to understand. It’s kind of cute. Very cute. Stop that thought, being hopelessly in love with Eddie Spaghetti may have been cool once, but Richie needs to change the trend. He kind of wishes he had a hot boyfriend he could show off to defy this level of cuteness. Okay, well, that would be short-lived anyways because his dating record isn’t exactly great.

“I mean, we were best friends.”, Richie argues, getting uncomfortable again. He doesn’t really like talking about feelings, even old rusty feelings. But guess who managed to get himself into this situation? Typical. Why exactly did he tell him, again?

“You were also best friends with Stan! And Bill! And-“

“I know their names, thanks. Remembered them just like it was yesterday. Would have been nice of you if you told me sooner.”, Richie interrupts him. “Anyways, do I have to fight with your wife to win your hand?”

Eddie looks lost. “Richie…“

Richie nearly cringes. He shouldn’t have done that. “That was a joke, don’t flatter yourself.”, Richie tells him. His baby self would hate him right now, or maybe be jealous that he dared to boldly flirt with him right now, Richie can’t decide.

“I know.”, Eddie states. His voice is kind of high, Richie seems to really flabbergasted the poor man. “I still don’t get it.”

“I never would have guessed, to be honest. It must have been hard.”, Ben says empathetically.

“I also never would have guessed that you’re so hot, Ben. Maybe I should’ve had a crush on you instead, to prevent Eddie from losing his mind by thinking too hard.”, Richie answers. He glances at Eddie again, who still kind of looks like someone took his inhalator and smashed it under their foot. Doesn’t look like he took the whole revelation as a compliment. Ouch.   
“If any of you watched my show, you would have known. I mention it sometimes.” What’s with all his ‘ex boyfriends’ and homophobic squirrels he mentions. Yeah, homophobic squirrels, don’t ask, it’s a running gag. A good one at that, if Richie is allowed to brag.

“Anyways Ben, I figured you had a crush on someone different? Just a guess.”, Richie grins, and his grin gets a bit bigger when he sees him getting panicked. Well, he guesses Ben is smarter than him. “I don’t really–“

“Do we really do this now?”, Mike asks. “Discussing old crushes? I don’t feel like an adult anymore.”

“Arrest a man for trying to take the focus off of himself, officer. I’ve talked enough now; I want to hear something different than my own voice because I already do that as a job. Bill, I have to hear more about your writing process. _Immediately_, that is. How do you come up with so good ideas but write so depressing endings?”

Bill sighs, but he begins to talk, and that’s the main thing. And Richie tries to not look at Eddie that much anymore.

_______________

The hideout Ben built brings back memories. It nearly takes Richie’s breath away. This feels like… sweaty summer evenings with cold lemonade, freedom, too many touches with Eddie because this room is so small and Eddie made it even smaller, a hammock that was the subject of many of their bickering but oh so comfortable. He remembers several times when him and Eddie chilled in there, both too impatient to wait for their turn… or maybe, in Richie’s case, an excuse to be close to him. Sometimes, they even cuddled. Welp, he hopes Eddie doesn’t remember it as vividly as he does; that would make it kind of awkward now he knows about his past crush.

Past crush, that’s a good joke. Or actually a bad one. After It kindly welcomed them to Derry, Richie… kind of… remembered too much. He doesn’t even know adult Eddie… who is he kidding, he gets why he had a crush on him. Richie doesn’t know what it is, but he can’t look at Eddie enough, and so he tries not to look at him at all. He got beautiful, and that’s a cliché thing to say, but if Richie could erupt into singing a Disney song when he felt too much, to match the cliché-like theme, he would. He loves hearing him being pedantic or sarcastic, loves how he takes none of his shit.

He doesn’t love him having a wife, but if she makes Eddie happy, he’s not jealous. Really. It’s not like he’s good enough for him anyway, and that too is a cliché thing to say, damn it.

The memories of Stan get overwhelming. Richie… doesn’t do well with the whole topic. Suicide. Truth be told, he was in a bad state of mind for a long time. He occasionally still is, although he got better. But the loss of a friend that feels so alive in here is hard to swallow.

The more he remembers, the quieter he gets. It was easier to view this whole thing as a joke before, at least for Richie who only does important life choices sarcastically. He likes it that way, it takes pressure off of him. And now… he means, really: ‘Six old friends meet up to defeat a scary clown because they took a childhood oath too seriously’, that sounds like the beginning of a joke. But it’s not, it’s their life. The anxiety sneaks back, and it doesn’t feel very funny.

He doesn’t remember ever feeling as horrified as he felt when he heard Mike say ‘You have to come back, you swore it.’ And it gets harder to shrug this feeling off.

To divide the group so that everyone ‘finds their personal item’ still feels like a stupid thing to do. He watched enough horror movies to know what happens if a group splits up. But apparently, that’s already decided, so Richie begins his obligatory walk through town.

He doesn’t even know where to go. His old family house is his best guess. Is there even anything in Derry that belongs to him or means something to him? (Something that is not alive?)

He only walks a few steps until Eddie catches up to him. “Can I join you for a few minutes?”, he asks, though it sounds more like a demand.

Richie makes a face. “Why?”

“You didn’t even want to split up. Why not? I have to go to the pharmacy. Don’t be stupid, just accompany me for a bit. You probably don’t even have anywhere to go.”, Eddie facepalms. “God, I can’t believe we’re doing this. We’re going to die. What am I going to tell Myra?”

“You don’t have to worry.”, Richie says.

“Of course I do. I hate this town.”, Eddie grumbles.

“I mean, about your wife. We’re definitely going to die. And when we die, it doesn’t matter what you told her.”

“You always were good at reassuring people.”, Eddie snorts.

Honestly, Eddie’s wife sounds more horrible the more he hears about her. And that’s not the jealousy, he’s doesn’t even… he’s not jealous. She just sounds like… well, Eddie’s mom. He doesn’t know what happened to Eddie after Derry because Eddie’s still very private, but his heart hurts a bit when he thinks about him having people in his life that are like his mom. Because Eddie’s mom was a paranoid, controlling walrus. Did Eddie never break free from that? Freedom was the best damn thing that ever happened to Richie.

They walk for a bit of time without saying a word, Richie’s brooding and Eddie already brought brooding to perfection so he’s just Eddie. Then, “So, did you think I was gay or something?”

“What?”, Richie asks flatly.

“Because you had a crush on me.”, Eddie says quietly.

“It’s not like I consciously decided who I had a crush on.” The more he remembers, the more the word ‘crush’ seems inappropriate. He was his first love, after all. It’s been more than 20 years, and he will lose sight of him again. This is pathetic.

“Yes, but why me?”, Eddie asks incredulously.

“Are you kidding?”, Richie laughs. 

“Don’t act like that’s so weird. It’s not like people commonly have crushes on me.”

“Well, you’re kind of dense, it’s not like you would know.”, Richie teases.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You never really cared about what other’s said or thought. I guess if you were gay instead of me, you wouldn’t have let it faze you one bit, even back then.”

Eddie stiffens. “Really, I can’t believe that you are gay, Rich.”, he says.

“Why? Because I didn’t fit the stereotypes at first glance? I like rainbows, if that helps.”, Richie huffs. “Look, it wasn’t supposed to be a big thing, you’re blowing it out of proportions. I’m still just Richie Tozier, the same trashmouth from Derry you forgot about.”

Suddenly Eddie’s touching his arm and it kind of freaks Richie out. He really doesn’t know how to read his body language anymore. Eddie just puts his hand near his wrist, loosely but decisively, as if he’s a touchy-feely kind of guy. Which he’s not, not anymore at least. “That’s not it. I…” It’s clear Eddie has something to say but has difficulties doing so. “The memories are coming back. I’m. I’m not normally…” His voice breaks off again.

“Jesus, Eds, are you trying you reject me? Just stop, this is getting weird.” Richie really doesn’t know how to feel anymore. He just knows he doesn’t want to hear it, and he wishes he would have never told him.

Eddie looks conflicted. “I don’t care that you’re gay. I just want to tell you… I can’t say it. Sorry. I can’t.” He looks frustrated.

Richie stops walking and looks at him. His face softens. Whatever it is that he wants to tell him, Richie’s thankful that Eddie tried to say something that’s seemingly so difficult for him. “It’s okay, just let it go. We should split up anyway. The pharmacy’s near, and I think I know where to go now.”, he says quietly and shrugs off Eddie’s hand.

Eddie nods. “Okay. See you, asshole.”

“See you, sweet cheeks. Don’t worry, nothing will matter in a week when we are buried in the same town we were born in! Nothing’s lovelier that that.”

Eddie rolls his eyes.

_______________

He tried to fuck off and now Eddie has a hole in his cheek, and although Richie managed to accidentally be the knight in the shining armor and revenge him, he feels like it was his choice of actions led to that. Maybe it’s the clown fucking with his mind. The thought of Eddie nearly being killed is way too horrifying, not that being horrified is something new in this town or that Richie didn’t already have to cope with Eddie nearly being killed several times.

When he heard that Eddie stabbed Henry Bowers through a shower curtain with his own knife, he also may have gotten a little weak in the knees. Eddie’s unbelievable.

“Let’s kill this clown!”, Richie shouts, and they go down into the sewers.

When Richie lies on the floor, screaming at Eddie to take the knife while Eddie does _nothing_, he doesn’t feel as hyped up anymore. Not that he ever really has, but he thought they had a chance, considering the ritual Mike told them about. Now he’s not sure he would survive long enough.

But suddenly, Eddie is above him, pushing the now motionless monster-thingy away from him. Richie has never seen him that way, terrified and angry at the same time, like it was his own life that was on the line. “Richie, I’m sorry, I couldn’t move. I’m sorry.” Eddie reaches up to his face and cups his cheeks, and Richie doesn’t remember him being this close since they met again.

He forgets how to speak for a moment. “That was fucking badass.”, he says breathlessly. He’s just so relieved, the adrenaline in his veins makes him all light-headed. And Eddie’s so close, and Richie would love to kiss him right know, and this time he’s not so stupid to tell him that. Another plus!

Eddie looks like he’s going to cry, but he laughs instead while the other’s storm into the room.

Because of that, Eddie’s not hesitant to follow them deeper into the sewers.

Because of that, Eddie’s more determined and because of that, it sticks when Eddie stabs the damn clown.

_______________

Eddie didn’t kill It, but in Richie’s eyes he as well could have. He made everyone believe again. Fuck, he was amazing. Richie can’t believe their luck, or preferably labeled, monster-hunting skills, as they stand in front of the crumbling house. He doesn’t even care what happens next. They made it. Fuck, they fucking made it!

When they jump into the lake, Beverly’s the first. Of course. And Richie still feels kind of high on happiness, high enough to be the second one. The water is cold and he just dives for a few seconds, to let the grime and blood wash away. When he surfaces and stands up on the lake ground, he’s a bit breathless. His curls are sticking to his forehead and he lost his glasses somewhere, but he thinks he’ll always remember this. Maybe even more so than the horror they’ve just endured. Although, he kind of wish he could see the scenery.

“Did you ever hear of flesh-eating bacteria? Please don’t let any lake water get into your system. This is so unsanitary. We were very dumb children to do this, and I guess that's still the case as adults.”, Eddie’s voice drips with disgust, but it’s clear he’s not really upset. Everyone laughs, and Richie thinks Eddie did that intentionally. But most importantly, everyone seems to feel the same. It’s like they suddenly have an invisible connection to each other that wasn’t there before. Maybe they already felt it, back then.

Back then.

“I wish Stan was here.”, Bill says. He had a stutter when he talked about him before, but now his voice is firm and gentle. 

Everyone becomes silent, while they imagine him being here with them. Richie still can’t handle the thought, because it’s so tragic, but he thinks it’s okay now. “Let’s remember him and each other. Do you think it will work this time?”, Beverly asks Mike. She stayed suspiciously close to Ben for the whole time they were in the lake.

“I think so.”, Mike sighs.

“Yeah, agreed… but can someone find my glasses? I can’t see.”, Richie says belatedly.

It warms his cold heart how the others begin to dive for them immediately. Really.

The only one who stays above the surface is Eddie. “I’m not going to do that.”, he snorts.

“C’mon, what are friends for?”, Richie swims towards him.

“I just saved your sorry life two times; I think I did my part.”

“What is my life without my glasses?”

“And what is your life without me?”

Richie stops, and then laughs. This is probably a joke. He can't help but feeling the things he's feeling right now, though. “Well, I managed to survive without you, don’t know what I would do without my glasses. I hope that was an offer, though.”, he says, jumps forward and throws his arms around Eddie.

“Don’t –“, Eddie protests, but it’s too late and he loses his balance, pulling Richie with him into the cold water.

It should be the perfect moment.

Richie tries not to think about farewell yet. (Still can't wait to leave this goddamn town, though.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This will probably be a two parter. Honestly, it's is my first time writing a fanfic in English (I'm not a native speaker) and I don't know if/ how many mistakes I made. I'm always thankful for corrections.  
But I had to write this, this was so healing. I kind of wish I could just cry about my feelings instead but writing but it is what it is, it seems. Bye bye, free time.


	2. giving away secrets and getting so much more

The evening sun shines through the dirtied window and paints orange fragments on his hands. If he squints below his glasses, it nearly looks red, like… like blood. Richie moves his thumb, adds them to the barely visible freckles on his knuckles as if they belong. The pattern of his skin frames the spots, he can see every line and bump.

He really got old, huh?

“… so excited to get out of this hole.”, Mike’s voice barely reaches him, and then Beverly starts to talk, something about a ‘new beginning’.

“… you going to do, Richie?” Beverly stares at him expectantly, her voice gets a bit louder. “Richie, everything ok?”

“What?”, Richie stammers and then swallows heavily. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. What did you say?”

“What are your plans? After Derry and everything, I mean.”, Beverly clarifies and Richie looks around, looks into familiar faces. Beverly and Ben aren’t even hiding their newest relationship progress anymore. Yep, they’re definitely holding hands. Did they elaborate on it? Did Richie miss it?

Richie shrugs. “Getting back into touring, I guess. I mean, I did kinda hope I wouldn’t survive this, so I wouldn’t have to find some lame excuse for my managers who are probably pretty pissed right now… uhm…” The joke falls flat. “Yeah, I mean. Life goes on.”

He tries to focus on everyone but naturally, his glance drifts to Eddie and his less-than-impressed, pale face. Everyone looks so excited, ready to take on this new chapter of life… and all of them partied an hour before, Richie included. But now Richie just feels tired, and Eddie looks at him like he _knows._

Life goes on.

Richie downs the untouched whiskey in front of him.

“I’m going to religiously watch your show from now on!”, Bev exclaims brightly.

“What?” Richie bites his tongue. “Don’t force yourself –”

“I hope the show isn’t good so we can make more fun of you.”, Bill says. He seems kind of tipsy… well, of them are a bit too cheerful, except Eddie maybe. Predictably.

“Har har.”, Richie orders more whiskey. He forgot to drink, but he’d like to change that. “I’m definitely going to tell the world how it feels to find out all your old, uncool friends found success and got cool, leaving me behind. We can’t even call ourselves ‘The Losers Club’ anymore!”

“You talk about feelings now?”, Beverly teases.

Richie snorts. “Shut up!”

“Hey, don’t talk to my girlfriend like that.”, Ben tells him playfully, and oh God, they’re official as fuck. After all these years. Richie would want to throw up about how sugary sweet they are together, but he prefers to do that after getting drunk.

“I guess we can shrink ‘The Losers Club’ down to the two of us. Risk analyst, remember?”, Eddie offers sarcastically.

Richie stares at him. Not for the first time… it feels like he barely stopped staring since they got out of the sewers. “Eds.”, he grins. “Aw! You’re staying, for me?”

“Don’t make me regret this!”, Eddie protests. “And stop calling me ‘Eds’, I mean it.”

“Forget it guys, we’re always going to be losers at heart. You’re not going to get rid of us.”, Mike shakes his head. “If anything, Eddie and me are the only two people on this table that have somewhat normal jobs. I wouldn’t call that ‘being a loser, though. But you’re successful too, Richie.”

“I guess I am. Hey, Eds, you’re looking for a sugar daddy?”

“I told you to stop calling me that!”

_______________

When he stumbles into his room, he’s _drunk._ They already said their goodbyes, and he’s probably not going to see Beverly, Bill and Ben after today because he’ll sleep in, thank you. Mike has to prepare for his move, and Eddie… Eddie… fuck if Richie knows. Eddie didn’t say anything.

Shit. He should’ve asked.

Richie isn’t in a hurry – he probably should be, but he decided that he isn’t. He’d liked to stay one more day in Derry, because despite how desperately he wanted to leave again, he… it’s difficult to form a thought. Why does he want to stay in Derry again? Oh, right, something about self-reflection or something. Maybe he’ll get some inspiration for his next tour. _Normal kids have homework to worry about, we had a killer clown –_

He’s wasted.

And he’s sad. He can admit it now. He _is _a sentimental drunk, always was the type to get all sappy when he got a little to friendly with the hard stuff, but normally he’s equally as hyper. Like a light switch, on and off, it rarely gets boring. But now, he feels none of that. He just feels like something went wrong, and he can’t put his finger on it. He just feels… heartbroken, really. But he shouldn’t be, right? Really shouldn’t be. He got so much of his missing childhood memory back, got these new friends he forgot about… and he learnt why he’s weirdly attracted to dark-haired dudes who speak too fast.

They _won_ and he’s just miserable.

He brushes his teeth clumsily, nearly falls asleep. Takes off the shirt and pants, forgets the glasses. Barely makes it to the bed. A knock at his door makes him sit up, hastily and confused.

The door opens, and his heart threatens to explode –

Eddie. It’s just Eddie. He wears fucking pyjamas… is that satin? “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”, Richie slurs while he looks up to the smaller man who holds the door open. “Wait… how did you get in…?”

“You forgot your key in the keyhole. Everyone could’ve had gotten in!”, Eddie says appalled. It’s so dark, Richie can barely see his expression, but Eddie already looks to the floor. “And you shouldn’t sleep like that if you don’t want to catch a cold.”

“Thanks mom.”, Richie rolls his eyes.

“Why do I even bother…”, Eddie throws the keys at him. “You’re drunk, Rich, just sleep it off.”, he already disappears behind the door.

“Wait!”, Richie scrambles onto his feet. He manages to not fall onto the floor, despite the world staggering around him. “When are you leaving?” Richie hopes he doesn’t sound as desperate as he thinks.

“Leaving Derry?” Eddie asks him through the door. “It seems reasonable to do that tomorrow. I have… things to tackle.”

“Ah.” Richie definitely sounds disappointed now.

Eddie opens the door again, and he’s looking at him. “I actually wanted to talk to you. But I don’t think it’s the right time.”, he says quietly.

“No- No, please, talk to me. Please.”, Richie nearly begs, and bites his tongue. “Oh man… shit, come in, okay. Shut the door already.”

“This I call enthusiastic.” Eddie snorts, but he indeed comes in and shuts the door. He flicks the light on and makes Richie squint. “You’re still nearly naked, though.”

“I like to sleep like that. Many people do.”, Richie says defensively.

“Yeah, I guess some things don’t change.” Eddie crosses his arms. “When you slept over, you refused to take my pyjamas, too, remember? You…” He gets slightly red in the face, or is that a trick of light? “What did you even think? You even had the hots for me, pervert, and you always managed to cling onto me in my sleep.”

“You were the clinger!”, Richie splatters, embarrassed. “And that had nothing to do with… anything! I wouldn’t molest you in your sleep. I wouldn’t.”

“Calm down, I’m making fun of you.”, Eddie lets his arms fall to his sides. “I guess I liked it when you slept over.”

Richie still is too drunk for this. He rubs his eyes. “I’m tired. What did you want to talk about?”

“You can lie down. Put the cover over you.”, Eddie commands.

“What, is my body too distracting for you?”, Richie jokes but does what he tells him, too. He doesn’t want to go to sleep yet, though.

“Can you stop flirting for a hot second?”, Eddie asks grumpily.

“You say shit like ‘what is your life without me’.”, Richie blinks. “You never used to say shit like that.”

“Richie…” Eddie goes to him and sits down besides the bed. On the floor. Richie can’t believe it. ‘Doesn’t he think it’s too dirty?’, he thinks dumbly. “Are you crying?”

“What?” Richie blinks, and really, a tear falls from his eyelashes. Shit. Stupid alcohol, he shouldn’t have let Eddie in. “It has nothing to do with you. I… I don’t know what it is.”

Eddie frowns. He shakes his head, and then he leans closer to Richie. Again, way too close. Shouldn’t be Eddie more paranoid, especially now he knows Richie’s sexuality? Richie used to think that Eddie would be disgusted by him if he knew, maybe even too disgusted to touch him. But Eddie really acts like it doesn’t change anything, and it makes Richie’s heart only hurt more. “I get it.”, Eddie whispers.

“What do you get?”, Richie chokes.

“Tearing up… I mean…” Eddie swallows audibly. “It’s hard for me, being here. I never… I guess I never really looked back after I left Derry. You were right, you always were, and now I just feel like I wasted my life –”

“Wait, what? Right about what?” Richie interrupts. “You didn’t waste your life, Eddie.”

“Right about my mom.” Eddie slowly exhales. “Right about my wife.”

“Oh.”, Richie says dumbly.

“I’m really angry, you know. I thought I didn’t let my mother control my life, that I took control back and… after she died, I thought I made peace with our past. She wasn’t exactly easy, but I didn’t think that _so much_ of me is because of my mom. Even my partner choice is because of my mom! I’m fucked up, Richie. Even more than I thought. She was supposed to love me, and instead she made me fucking scared of the world.”, Eddie looks like his turn to cry is near, and Richie’s heart races because he didn’t expect to see him like that.

“Eddie, now, my Eddie Spaghetti.”, he sobs and pulls him with his arm forward into a hug.

“Shut up.”, Eddie whispers.

Richie holds him even closer. “We’re all fucked up. Shit, Eddie. Bill’s still broken about Georgie, even if he doesn’t show it. Mike was stuck in this town and acts like his life only begins now. Bev… Bev doesn’t talk about her life as much as she should. And Ben was really lonely.” Richie is way to emotional right now.

“You’re fucked up, too?” Eddie laughs tearily.

“I’m _especially_ fucked up. Y-You didn’t even know – my issues have issues!” He doesn’t want to get Eddie’s stupid satin pyjamas wet but he also doesn’t want to let go, and he can’t control the tears anymore. “I wish I had known about you. I was so fucking lonely, and I didn’t know what was missing. There were so many chances for me, people who wanted to get close to me, people around me, but it’s just… like I was looking for something, and nothing was enough.”, he admits. Fuck. He talks too much again. “I mean, I missed all of you.”, he adds quickly.

“You’re drunk.”, Eddie laughs again.

“I am.”, Richie agrees.

Quietly, Eddie stands up and Richie can see his face again. He really did cry, but now he smiles. “Move over.”, he tells him.

Richie can’t even think, he just nods while Eddie slips under the covers besides him, he fucking looks at him and he’s so close, Richie can feel his breath on his lips.

Eddie reaches over to the light switch by the bed and turns the light off, so Richie stares into darkness. “Let’s go to sleep.”, Eddie says and fucking pulls him close, until Richie’s nose is pressed against his shoulder and he can smell his shampoo.

“You should try sleeping without pyjamas, too, it’s more comfortable –” He doesn’t even know what he’s saying.

“Beep beep, Richie.”, Eddie murmurs, but he doesn’t pull away.

They stay like that, until Richie falls into a deep, dreamless sleep.

_______________

He wakes up with Eddie in his arms. Eddie still cuddles him, an arm around his torso, his legs tangled with Richie’s, and Richie can’t believe it. He can’t take his eyes off Eddie’s relaxed face. He half expected him to leave last night, but he stayed. He stayed and he’s with him in bed and he- he- Richie tries not to have _these_ kind of thoughts.

It doesn’t have to mean anything, of course. They did this often, back then.

His head hurts a bit, and his pride hurts more the more Richie remembers last night, but Eddie had a heart-to-heart, too, so Richie thinks he’ll survive this. It’s definitely not his worst hangover and even last night, it could’ve been way worse. He could’ve been way drunker.

Drunk enough to kiss him –

Eddie’s still married; Richie has to remind himself. And he’s still straight, presumably. Fuck his life.

Suddenly, Eddie moves in his arms, slowly. His eye lids flatter, and he looks up at him. Richie freezes, unsure.

“I forgot to take your glasses off.”, he says sleepily.

Richie laughs. “I- I guess.” His voice shakes.

Eddie stares at him, again. He makes Richie’s heart race again. And then, Eddie leans over, and for a moment Richie thinks he’s really going to kiss him, but Eddie just stares more into his eyes. “I wish…”, his voice sounds kind of strangled. “Well. I should pack up.” He pulls away now.

“Oh.” Richie is _weak_, and sad again. Is this his goodbye? “Yeah. Thank you for yesterday.”

Eddie bites his lip. “Okay. No. I can’t go like that, shit. I’ll facetime her.”

“What?”, Richie asks confused.

“Myra. I have to tell her I want a divorce. I wanted to go back and tell her, but I changed my mind.” Eddie sits up. “I feel like an asshole, not telling her directly… and I will probably never see most of my stuff again. But I can live with that.”

“You want to get a divorce?”, Richie asks breathlessly.

Eddie shrugs. “Obviously. You should stay here.”, he says.

All Richie can think, as he watches him leave, is _what the fuck_?

_______________

Not even fifteen minutes later, a knock interrupts Richie’s attempts to wake up from this weird dream by splashing cold water onto his face. He threw over a shirt by now, though he’s still in boxer shorts, couldn’t bring himself to care much. He didn’t even expect someone that soon. Maybe it’s not Eddie this time, he thinks as he opens the door.

It’s Eddie.

Silently, he squeezes through the door gap and waits until Richie closes the door again. Richie frowns at him. Eddie’s still in his pyjamas, and Richie – Richie doesn’t even know what to expect anymore.

“So, how was the… divorce?”, he asks awkwardly.

“It went… uh. Not well. But it’s done.”, Eddie says and just looks at him, all dark eyes and thin lips. “She thinks I cheated.”

“I always wanted to be a homewrecker.”, Richie says nervously, and then, “That’s, uhm, a joke.”

“Maybe I should have cheated, seems like it wouldn’t have made a difference.”, Eddie says casually.

“With.” Richie swallows. “With me?”

“No, with Bill.” Eddie rolls his eyes. “_Of course,_ with you. Although I’m not a cheater.”

But he can barely finish these words, then Richie already presses his lips against Eddie. It feels like his chest is on fire, he’s dizzy with just the urge to kiss him. And then he is, and at first it’s dry and sweet. Careful, while he waits for his reaction. “Richie.”, Eddie murmurs against his lips and gently pushes him away. “Wait a second.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry –“, Richie begins.

“Wait! I just… I want to tell you.” Eddie gets all red in the face, and Richie’s stunned. He immediately falls silent. “I never felt this with a woman. Or, to be precise, with a man too, but I _felt _something for men, and don’t look at me like that – the point is, I thought it was okay, that I wasn’t missing anything. You- you have to sacrifice a few things, and sacrificing this seemed preferable to me anyway, I could tell myself that – it’s better not to want these things.”, Eddie continues, stuttering. “I never… you know. Even Myra, she… I think I stayed with her for so long because she didn’t expect or want something sexual from me.”

“Wait, wait…”, Richie’s eyes widen. “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin, you’re fucking forty years – ”

“I’m not a virgin!”, Eddie only gets redder. “But I’ve never seen sex as something I want. Because I limited my options. I guess… Richie. I’m gay, too.”

“Oh, really.”, Richie says dryly, but his heart hammers in his chest and he feels like he wants to cry again. He really is. He is. He wants to kiss him and he thinks he can.

“What?”, Eddie asks sharply. “I imagined that you’d be more surprised.”

“Surprised, no, relieved, yes… Eddie Spaghetti, does that mean you want to do the The Sex with me?”, Richie teases.

“Oh god, shut up!”, Eddie says mortified.

Richie grins. “Make me.” And then he has Eddie against his lips again, this time hot and wet and all _tongue and teeth_ and like he needs it, because he _does_, and the world feels whole for the first time in a long time.

_______________

“Move in with me.”, Richie gasps between their kisses.

“Your dirty talk is weird.”, Eddie says dryly, but Richie can feel his smile against his lips.

“Is that a yes?”

“Oh, what I wanted to tell you earlier, I always had a crush on you, too. I even suspected I was gay, I think. I just forgot.”

“_What the fuck_ –“

“Just kiss me, we can talk later or you won’t shut up for another hour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW guys, just found out movie Richie shares his birthday with EL James. lol. (and oh, with me too)  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks for reading <3


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